What can everyone involved contribute to integrating the different points of view of the people involved to find a solution that is as suitable as possible for all sides?

Let's start with an example: Ms. Weiß is a valued and long-standing employee. She has been unhappy at work for some time and feels stressed. It has now been five years since her last promotion and her boss promised her at the last appraisal interview that she would be promoted this year. Unexpectedly, things turned out differently. Her colleague, Mr. Schmidt, who has only been working in the department for a year, was promoted instead. She feels that she has been passed over, but doesn't have the courage to raise this disappointment with her boss. She is also increasingly resentful towards her boss. She comes to me for coaching because her thoughts about not being promoted keep her awake at night. She wants to learn how to deal with the situation better and resolve her tensions with her boss.

From the victim to the creator mindset

The first step was to look at her attitude. We realized that she was "blaming" her boss for her dissatisfaction. She complained about him to colleagues and her partner, but did not speak directly to her boss about it. This is typical of the victim mentality, in which we blame others for our dissatisfaction. We often remain in this mindset because the secondary benefit of the victim mindset is the sympathy and understanding shown by those around us. However, this does not help to solve the problem.

How did Mrs. Weiß finally manage to become the creator of her life again and take personal responsibility?

Gaining distance and taking a neutral view

To do this, we first took a bird's eye view of the situation by stating the facts with a neutral and non-judgmental attitude. This led to a distancing between the situation and the feelings.

She was then able to answer questions such as "What feelings does this trigger in me?" and "What does the situation have to do with me?" or "What need am I not fulfilling at the moment?".

For Ms. Weiß, disappointment, anger and sadness were predominant. Negative feelings are not bad per se. In fact, they are valuable signals that indicate our unfulfilled needs. We just have to learn to appreciate them as such and decode the message behind them.

Behind Mrs. Weiß's feelings were the needs for appreciation and recognition of her performance. The need for reliability - she was promised a promotion years ago - was also violated. The non-fulfilment of these needs led to a loss of trust in her boss. As a result, her motivation to complete tasks and work together as a team decreased.

Seeking a conversation

Having understood these correlations, Ms. Weiß was able to seek a conversation with her boss. She was able to ask him why she had not been promoted with an open and interested attitude instead of an accusatory one. At the same time, she was able to talk to him about her disappointment and the resulting consequences. In doing so, she took responsibility for her feelings and was able to act effectively again.

The boss thanked her for the open conversation and for presenting the situation from her point of view. He noticed Ms. Weiß's drop in performance and could not explain it. He was also unaware that he had made the justified promotion of Ms. Weiß in favor of Mr. Schmidt. His performance evaluation referred to a project that Mr. Schmidt had recently completed successfully.

Finding new solutions

After such a clarifying discussion on both sides, it is ultimately much easier to find new solutions that work for both sides. They agreed on a regular jour fixe so that the boss is continuously informed about Ms. Weiß's performance. A promotion was promised for the following year. In addition, she was given the opportunity to attend a long-awaited training course during her working hours.

Both sides were able to say "yes" to these solutions. Her attitude towards her boss, her colleagues and her work changed for the better. Their feelings of stress were also reduced as a result.

This example demonstrates that a conflict can be resolved with the help of appreciative communication.

When a conversation doesn't help?

In cases where this does not work, e.g. when narcissism, ignorance or personal sensitivities play a role, I recommend following the English proverb: "Love it, change it, or leave it." to proceed. So we should first ask ourselves: Can I love the situation, i.e. can I live with it? If not, can I change it or my attitude towards it? If that is not possible either, and I have tried everything, there is still the option of leaving the situation. In this specific example, that would mean leaving the department or the company. This is the last resort if the situation makes you unhappy or even causes psychosomatic symptoms, which can ultimately lead to stress-related illnesses.

The author

Susanne Schlenker is a long-standing coach at Leadership Choices, a resilience and mindfulness trainer and a bereavement and grief counselor. As an American by birth and with 26 years of international corporate experience, she supports managers in developing their self-awareness and self-leadership skills.

Her own program "Corporate Human Growth with Mindfulness" to strengthen resilience is based on her experience in introducing mindfulness in companies. She is also certified by Leadership Choices in their FiRE model of resilience and acts as co-lead of the resilience community there.