Many years ago, I shared an office with two female colleagues and one male colleague. One day, I asked the colleague a technical question. He was curt, dismissed me and told me to send him an invitation for a meeting to discuss the issue later.

I was taken aback by this reaction. It caught me completely off guard and I reacted very emotionally. Tears welled up in my eyes and then I ran to the toilet. I calmed down there for a while. Gradually, I was able to think more clearly again. I asked myself what had actually happened. What had thrown me off course like that? I didn't quite understand exactly what had happened. All I knew was that I was angry and disappointed.

Because I didn't want to bottle up the anger, I spoke to my colleague as soon as I came back from the toilet. I told him how I had experienced the situation and what had been going on in my head. Then I asked him why he had been so short tempered.

It turned out that he was concentrating on an important and urgent task when I spoke to him. My interruption had distracted him. He emphasized that he hadn't meant any harm.

This helped me to see him in a different light and respond with understanding. Once that was cleared up, it was a load off my mind and I was very glad that I had spoken to him straight away.

What had happened?

Situations like this happen all the time in working life. They are not bad per se. If we learn to understand how they arise and what lies behind them, we can deal with them confidently and better.

5 steps to dealing openly with conflict

If you are emotionally overwhelmed by a situation, the following six steps will help you to regain control of the situation.

1. Keep calm
   Give yourself time, e.g. by taking three deep breaths. Do not say anything at first. This will prevent you from reacting automatically or acting on impulse, which you may regret afterwards.
   If you notice that breathing alone does not help, you can leave the room. Strong feelings activate the amygdala, the part of our brain responsible for instinctive, automatic reactions. Breathing and keeping your distance can help to calm the amygdala. This allows you to think rationally and clearly again.
2. Perceive and name feelings
   Try to find out why you reacted so violently. To do this, notice your feelings. Are you angry, disappointed, lonely, sad or is it another feeling?
   In the next step, you can name these feelings in a new formulation, express them internally and thus create an inner distance. Feel whether it makes a difference if you say: "I am angry!" or "I feel anger."
3. Recognizing needs
   What do feelings want to tell us? What is the message behind feelings? Finding this out is important because feelings are the key to the underlying need.
   Positive feelings are a sign that our needs are being met. We feel very good. Negative feelings, on the other hand, always indicate an unfulfilled need. There could also be sadness behind the anger. For example, you could be sad that someone doesn't notice you. The unfulfilled need would then be, for example, belonging.
   Seen in this light, you may even be grateful for your negative feelings. They help you to take better care of yourself and your needs.
4. Seek a conversation
   With this knowledge, approach the person openly and non-judgementally and ask to talk to them. Explain why you want to talk to them and describe your point of view. Then give the person the opportunity to respond. Listen and let them finish.
5. Develop an appreciative relationship
   Remember that it's not about one side being right. Rather, it's about building trust and mutual understanding and connecting with the person on a different level.

In this way, you can become more and more aware of your feelings and needs. You can then take an interest in the other person's world more easily and with an open and non-judgemental attitude and approach them. This gives them the opportunity to explain their point of view. This creates understanding on both sides and it is amazing how quickly the situation can suddenly relax and the conflict can be resolved. It is even possible that this will create a closer relationship with your colleagues and improve the working atmosphere in the long term.

The author

Susanne Schlenker, Leadership Choices

© Susanne Schlenker

Susanne Schlenker is a long-standing coach at Leadership Choices, a resilience and mindfulness trainer and a bereavement and grief counselor. As an American by birth and with 26 years of international corporate experience, she supports managers in developing their self-awareness and self-leadership skills.

Her own program "Corporate Human Growth with Mindfulness" to strengthen resilience is based on her experience in introducing mindfulness in companies. She is also certified by Leadership Choices in their FiRE model of resilience and acts as co-lead of the resilience community there.