What if you approached conflicts in a fundamentally calm and curious way and managed them constructively?

What if conflicts were not energy drains, if you used the tension and energy of conflict situations to create fresh solutions?

And what if you could train and choose these skills?

'Conflict resilience' means being self-determined in getting out of negative stress behavior and finding creative, sustainable solutions to conflicts. But how do you do this?

Getting into drama roles - our 'default mode' when it comes to conflict

Conflict is something that many people want to avoid as much as possible. Why? Is it insecurity, wanting to save face, fear of aggression, looking like a loser or fear of rejection? Whatever the reason, conflicts instinctively have negative connotations. Our focus is usually on what we don't want, and this unconsciously triggers stressful behavior. Stephen Karpman, the father of the 'drama triangle', has identified three drama roles that we prefer to fall into under stress: Victim, aggressor and rescuer. These roles need each other, inspire each other and prevent constructive collaborative solutions.

"I'm sorry. That's probably a stupid idea."

"If you were more committed, we wouldn't have this problem."

"You should just adopt my approach. That works perfectly."

Whether we play small and give in, whether we think we're smart and impose our solution on others, or whether we criticize and put others down - drama roles create a climate of self-doubt, dependency, blame and resentment. They drain energy and prevent us from performing at our best and creating solutions together with others.

What now?

How do we use the energy contained in conflicts to best close the gap between what we want and what is? If you are resilient, you can switch from defensiveness and a focus on problems to openness and a solution-oriented approach and tackle conflicts powerfully and with ease. The aim is to wrestle with others for the best solution instead of fighting against each other. You can choose this attitude.

Training resilience muscles - preventive, situational, reflective

You can train your conflict resilience in three contexts.

• Preventive: Use every little disagreement in everyday life to strengthen your conflict resilience so that it is available to you in a crisis.
• Situational: Accept crises positively and value them as teachers. Each application strengthens your resilience muscles. Our brain learns new patterns of behavior.
• Reflective: If things don't work out in the crisis situation, put yourself back in the situation afterwards and imagine how you would act resiliently now. Our brain does not differentiate between 'imagined' and 'real' and continues to build resilience muscles in this way.

Two training steps for your conflict resilience:

Step 1: Awareness - notice drama roles and get out!
Become an observer and celebrate when you catch drama roles and behavior in yourself and others! Then consciously let go of the role. And if you notice a drama role in the other person, don't enter the game with your own drama role. Be a spoilsport!

Step 2: Change your perspective and activate your strengths
Changing your perspective means seeing conflicts not as a stumbling block, but as an opportunity. The following reflection exercise helps here: "What has to happen for me to say afterwards that the conflict was the best thing that could have happened?" Give yourself "freedom of thought" without critically scrutinizing every little idea. This mindshift is our free decision. The behavioral scientist David Emerald ('The Power of TED*') puts it in a nutshell: "Choose choice! Energy flows where the focus goes."
Psychologist and compassion expert Nate Regier describes it like this: a simple mindshift from victim to creator gives us access to key skills for a positive conflict culture. This makes positive conflict possible and real.

Impulses for your strength training

Be open
Recognizing and expressing your own emotional reactions means appreciating yourself and creating transparency towards others. Those who act with an "open mind" create trust. When working together, this means respecting the feelings of others and expressing compassion.
Training exercise: Observe yourself and the other person. What emotions and energy do you perceive in yourself and in the other person? Express these in an appreciative way: "I feel uncomfortable."; "That sounds exciting."; "How does that make you feel?"; "I can see how scary that is."; "I can understand that."; "I'm happy for you."

Be curious
Wanting to know and being on an equal footing means seeing yourself and others as competent and capable. This creates a climate in which everyone feels seen and heard and can contribute their potential.
Training exercise: The "10% rule" states that no one is completely wrong and at least 10% right. The task is to find and express the 10%.
"What I like about your position is ..., and I think ..."; "What opportunities do you see?"; "What has worked for you in the past?"

Be persistent
Keeping the focus on the goal means pledging and demanding commitment. Those who focus on the desire and the solution see everything that happens, including mistakes and setbacks, as a positive challenge. In this way, every step brings you forward or has a learning effect.
Training exercise: Identify framework conditions and responsibilities and explore learning effects. "You can rely on me."; "These are the framework conditions that apply to us."; "What do we learn from this?"; "How do we ensure that this doesn't happen again?"

The author

Uta Nachbaur is a coach and trainer at Leadership Choices. She works internationally and across industries with managers on communication, leadership and presence, mental fitness and a positive conflict culture.